i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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