So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
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He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
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Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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