Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
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What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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