I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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