I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
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He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
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I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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