Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
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Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
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Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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