I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
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I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
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And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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