my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
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Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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