Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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