the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
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I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
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Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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