i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
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Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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