Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
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today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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