oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
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I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
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Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
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