Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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