i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
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I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
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You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So apparently I’m into choking now
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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