totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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