Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
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