so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize