at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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