Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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