i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
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Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
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Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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