I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize