I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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