Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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