The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
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Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
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Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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