I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
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You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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