So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
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You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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