A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
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Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
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I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
How does one acquire holy water?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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