My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
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She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
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Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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