Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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