I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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