I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
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I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
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A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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