Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
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Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
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Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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