I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
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She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
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I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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