Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
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I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
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Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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