I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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