Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
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Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
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Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹ï¸
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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