just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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