From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
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dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize