he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
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They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
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I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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