This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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