I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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