the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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