I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
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I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
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You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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