This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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