In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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