Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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