i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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