that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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