Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
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he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
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My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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